Dark is the Way, Light is a Place
by notintolabels29
Summary: Ashley has a lot of secrets and after years of friendship, Spencer finally finds out what they are.
1. Pray Tell Part 1

In light of the new Anberlin album coming out, I've decided to write another story. Seeing as how the album hasn't actually been released yet, this is more of a teaser chapter. Unlike my last story, Retrace, I'm not going to include the lyrics between paragraphs so if you want to know the song, look it up.

(I do not own South of Nowhere.)

**Pray Tell Pt. 1**

We had been best friends since high school, three years ago. As the shadow of college loomed in the distance we decided on the same university, even choosing to be roommates. Somehow, I still didn't feel like I knew her as well as I should have.

She had this past she'd never told me about. Every time it came up, she'd weasel her way around it. I felt like she was hiding these huge secrets from me and just wouldn't ever open up about it. I was just waiting around for her to spill one day, I had no idea what it would take for her to actually do it.

"Okay Ash, what do you think of this shirt?" it was green and sparkly. I thought it was atrocious, just like almost everything else I had pulled from the depths of my closet. Really, I was just fucking with her until she agreed to get off her ass and help me.

"Oh my god Spencer, are you serious? I mean at least the granny sweater had some nerdy charm to it but whatever gay man attacked you with his fairy wand should watch where he's swinging that thing. I'm just going to have to pick your outfit for you aren't I?" score! I know she knew exactly what I was doing, but that was part of the joy of doing it. Despite the fact that this practice of me bothering her endlessly until she helped me get ready seemed inherently selfish, I really just wanted her to get up and do something. She'd always seemed to be a little on the depressed side, but lately the bags under her eyes had darkened and her smile had dimmed. I don't think I'd heard her laugh in weeks.

"There, you look exactly like the college student begging to have her drink drugged that I know you really are. Have fun," she said as she flopped back down on the couch and turned the TV back on.

"Are you sure you don't want to come with? I mean I know you don't like parties but this isn't a drinking and sex party like they usually are," she half-smiled and shook her head, again. I nodded sullenly and waved as I stepped out of our apartment. This was the way it had always been, I had to force her to get out or talk about herself. I felt like I was the only reason she ever even spoke.

We met sophomore year in high school. God, I was awful and awkward with glasses and braces and no hand-eye coordination. Obviously, I was a loner. Ashley Davies was a transfer student that was in no way remarkable. She wore jeans and t-shirts just like everyone else, medium-long brown hair, brown eyes, slightly short build. The only thing that put her into the loner category with me is the fact that she never spoke to anyone, not even teachers. Ironically, we were a perfect pair. She never spoke and I would never stop if someone would listen. Through a fateful pairing in gym class, we became friends. In short, she saved my life from a painful death by basketball and I wouldn't stop thanking her until she was forced to come to dinner with my family. Ever since then we just stuck together. Except now, without braces or glasses, I was actually kind of popular. She still wouldn't speak unless directly spoken to.

After about half an hour of nursing my super virgin daiquiri at this stupid church group party I had agreed to go to, I made a lame excuse to leave. My friend Erin whined and made puppy eyes trying to get me to stay but there was no way in hell I was going to stick around for how many hours playing 'adult' versions of kids' games. I was actually looking forward to Ashley's satirical view of the world after being around so many homophobe pro-war Republican Jesus enthusiasts.

Strangely, the TV wasn't on when I entered the apartment. Neither was the radio or shower. It was a rare occasion that there would be complete silence. I knew Ashley hadn't gone out because she never would without me so I wandered to her room, just in case she had gone to sleep. Oh if only the expressionless look on her face was that of sleep.


	2. Pray Tell Part 2

Hello again. I apologize for the wait. This past week has been very hectic for me with going back to college, but here we are, installment number 2! Thank you very much to everyone who reviewed and put this story on notification.

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**Pray Tell Part 2**

"ASHLEY!" I ran to her side and grabbed her face. There was so much blood surrounding her, spattered on her clothes. I couldn't stand the sight of it as I grabbed whatever I could find to wrap around her slashed wrists. Sobbing, I fumbled for my phone and dialed 911.

It was torture having to relate the same story over and over again to every paramedic, doctor, or nurse that asked me. I sat agonizing in the waiting room of the ER, while everyone asked me questions and never answered mine. Finally, a man in a white coat came out and asked for visitors for Ashley Davies.

"Miss Davies is very lucky that you came in when you did. Any longer and she would have bled out. We gave her a blood transfusion and sutured her wounds. Right now she's asleep but you can go ahead in and sit with her, we'll be sending in a psychiatrist when she wakes up," I didn't understand why everyone always said someone who attempted suicide was lucky to have been found by someone. In my eyes, if they were attempting suicide they would have been lucky if they hadn't been found.

I know it's been said a million times, but the frailty of a person in a hospital bed is profound. The whitewashed walls and beeping machines dwarf even the strongest of people. Ashley was small as it is, but now her surroundings swallowed her up. She was ghostly pale and I felt like I had never really known her until this moment. I had never fully realized the brokenness of her. Pulling a chair up beside her bed, I grabbed her hand and smiled through my teary eyes. I talked to her, probably for hours, even as doctors and nurses came in and out. Eventually I fell asleep with her fingers laced through mine.

When I woke up, Ashley's eyes were already open. I lifted my head and she looked at me, a bitter smile crossed her lips. The door to the room opened and a woman stepped in with a clipboard. She didn't look anything like any doctor that had come in since I'd been there. Wearing jeans and a black graphic t-shirt coupled with Converse, she was surprisingly modern. She smiled warmly before introducing herself.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Lincoln. I'm going to be your psychiatrist Ashley," I saw Ashley close her eyes in annoyance, I assumed that she had already been through this, "Now, before you get too bothered that the hospital has assigned a psychiatrist to you, you should know that at any time if you don't want to continue with therapy you can just say so . . ."

"Good, I don't want to continue with therapy," Ashley spat out before the doctor got a chance to finish.

"As long as you have a viable reason as to why you feel you don't need to anymore. Considering your position in that hospital bed right now, I'm going to say you don't have a viable reason," that seemed to piss Ashley off even more as she grit her teeth and looked away. Dr. Lincoln turned to me and held out her hand, "I'm going to assume you're the friend that found her."

"Y-yes. My name is Spencer. Spencer Carlin. Ashley and I are roommates," she nodded as we shook hands and pulled over a chair to sit next to me.

"I never expect the first session to be particularly productive. Most attempted suicide patients want nothing to do with doctors. So instead of trying to force a conversation with Ashley, I'd like to discuss a few things with you. I'm going to guess that you're Ashley's main support system and even though she may never have expressed it to you before, she relies on you for a lot. Now, she'll rely on you for even more. Right after a suicide attempt is a crucial time with patients, so I need to know right now if you're all in or if you're just the casual friend that doesn't want to get their hands dirty," I thought about what she said. I had never really thought of myself as Ashley's support system, but since she didn't have any other friends I suppose I was the only option. I'd never heard of any family either, and even if she did have them obviously they weren't close at all. After all the years of me relying completely on her for friendship, I felt like this was the time I had to pay her back.

"I am completely, 100 percent all in Dr. Lincoln. She's my best friend and I'll be here for her every step of the way."


	3. Impossible

**Hello! I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update. It has been a very busy week, with new classes and everything. Hopefully you enjoy this chapter! Thank you to everyone who reviewed. Please keep reading and reviewing!**

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**Impossible**

It had been several days since Ashley's suicide attempt and she was still in the hospital. Apparently it was up to Dr. Lincoln when she got out and since Ashley hadn't uttered a word to her, she wasn't about to discharge her. Their sessions consisted mainly of the doctor talking to me about what the next few months would consist of and then me trying to get Ashley to talk. She just wouldn't open up.

"You know Ashley, I realize that this is a difficult time for you but if you ever want to get out of this hospital you're going to have to talk to me," Dr. Lincoln told her for probably the eighth time. It didn't seem to matter what either of us said, Ashley wouldn't even make eye contact, "You probably think I'm just this asshole doctor that has no idea what I'm talking about because everything I know I've learned from some book. But, I was once in the exact position you are in. I don't like telling patients my own story, however, it seems that nothing else is going to get through to you. I want you to know that you can trust me."

"Like anything you've been through can compare to what I have been. You don't fucking know me," I was surprised when Ashley spoke but the doctor just nodded.

"I've heard that before, but frankly, you don't know me. I'm not just some Ph.D. jackass that has never felt what it's like to slump into years of depression. I know what tragedy feels like and if you would let me, I could help you."

"Fine, you want to know why I'm so depressed that I wanted to kill myself? When I was 13 my parents were both killed in a car crash. They were the best parents anyone could have asked for. Due to a lack of other kin, I was put into foster care. After a string of worthless human beings, I was fostered by what seemed like a great family. They only seemed that way because the wife was cheating on her husband with like ten guys and the husband was more interested in younger girls. Like, pre-pubescent girls. Which just happened to be the category I fit into. Eventually I was taken out of there and adopted into a nice Christian family that practically stoned me when I came out to them as a lesbian. But they couldn't exactly send me back with a 'defective' sticker so they were stuck with me. And everyone fucking wonders why I never talk. I lost my entire world and everything just kept getting worse. Spencer is the only good thing that has happened to me in the past 8 years," I was surprised by every word that had come out of Ashley's mouth. All I could think was why hadn't she told me? I was supposed to be her best friend and I never even knew that her real parents were dead. A part of me felt so betrayed, I didn't know a damn thing about this woman laying in the hospital bed next to me. I mean since when is she a lesbian?

"I'm glad you told us that, even if it was just out of anger. Ashley, you need to understand that just repressing things and not talking about them doesn't help you or anyone around you. I imagine Spencer feels pretty betrayed right now. I need you to tell me whether or not you are willing to continue on and go through therapy with me," she seemed so calm for someone who had just heard such an awful story. Ashley looked at me sadly and closed her eyes. With a simple nod, she put herself, and me, on a long and hard journey. Dr. Lincoln allowed a ghost of a smile to grace her lips before writing something down on her notepad and stood up, "I'll get started on your discharge papers. We're going to have you put into a suicide watch program. Spencer, if you could step outside with me for a moment."

"This is a good breakthrough for Ashley. I know you must be feeling pretty shocked right now but you have to understand that she didn't even admit those things to herself. She's really going to need you because she's scared right now. The suicide watch program is really just someone close to the patient being there for them as much as possible. If you agree, you two will sleep in the same room and spend any time she is not around other people together. I understand you're in college but if she could come with you to your classes if she's not in her own, that would be the best. It will only be for a few days until our next session," she looks expectantly at me. I feel so overwhelmed with information.

"Uh, yeah. Yeah I can do that. I mean I practically do it anyway, except sleeping in the same room," she nods and grabs my hand in a strong grip.

"I know you feel like you don't know her at all right now but trust me, she is the same person. Now she just has a past," I nodded in response as she started away to discharge Ashley. I was nervous to say the least, it was going to be like sharing a room with a complete stranger.


	4. We Owe This To Ourselves

**Hello everyone! I feel that I must apologize profusely for the wait. I have been EXTREMELY busy because on a whim my girlfriend and I rushed for the lesbian sorority on campus. Anyway, I got this chapter finished finally and will hopefully be able to publish on a regular schedule about once a week. I hope you enjoy it. Soon the real fun will begin! **

**Please Review!**

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"Why didn't you tell me all of that, Ashley?" I was understandably upset about this whole situation. Obviously I knew that Ashley has secrets, she hardly ever talked to anyone, but learning all of these things even a close friend would know made me feel like calling myself her best friend was a much too generous title.

"Spencer, I've never told anyone. I hardly even admitted these things to myself. I didn't want to put the burden of my past on to you when you were struggling with your own problems."

"I would have helped you before it came to this! Before you decided that death was a better option than just fucking talking to me! You never even told me that you were a lesbian. There's no way you could consider that to be burdening me. All those nights you sat there listening to my petty little teenaged issues, I should have been listening to you," all the anger I'd had towards her reversed and became anger at myself. What an awful friend I had been. I wasn't the friend I should have been to her, the person she felt like she could tell everything to. I was too caught up in myself and complaining about what went wrong with my life that I never even asked about her.

"You didn't need to know. No one did. It wasn't as though I ever expected to date anyone or live long enough to get married. I was more than happy to listen to you when you needed me."

"But that isn't what friendship is about! It's a two-way street, we should have relied on each other and not just me on you. I complain about the bitches who made my life hell in high school and you complain about . . . everything. I was just a selfish kid, I'd never had a friend who would just listen to me and tell me everything would be ok. Who didn't judge me."

"You weren't selfish, Spencer. I didn't want to tell you. Dr. Lincoln was right. I didn't even want to admit all of those things to myself. I wanted to pretend that it never happened so I repressed it until it came to this. Until I despaired and thought that death was the only way to escape from the memories. In some ways instead of making my own life, I lived through you. All of your stories became mine. I imagined that I had lived through you. I meant it when I said that you were the best thing to ever happen to me," I couldn't argue with her any more so I just wrapped her up in my arms and cried on her shoulder.

"You know I'll always be here for you Ashley. From now on you have to promise you won't keep any secrets from me," I pulled back and looked into her eyes so she knew I meant what I was asking of her.

"I promise I won't keep any secrets from you, Spence. As long as you promise me that you will help me through this, even when I don't want your help," I nodded and took her hands in mine.

"I promise I will help you through everything that will be happening," we embraced once more before Dr. Lincoln entered the room with Ashley's discharge papers.

"I see you two have made up. Ashley, I have some orders here of what you will be required to do over the next few days. Spencer, I have a packet for you too. Both of you should go through these together so you know what to expect from one another. Ashley is on a suicide watch outside of the hospital, meaning Spencer, you will be responsible for keeping track of her. Emergency contact information is there for the hospital as well as my personal phone numbers, including my fiancé's just in case you can't reach me. Ok, that's about it. Just get dressed and a nurse will be in to wheel you out. I'll see you in a few days for our first real session," after she left Ashley put on the clothes I had brought her from our apartment. A nurse came in with a wheelchair and explained that it was hospital policy that anyone being released had to be escorted out. Once we got to the car we both took a deep breath, glad to be out in the real world again.


End file.
